Zuckerberg's Response To Facebook Handset Rumours

Having recently floated onto the stock market last week, the pioneer at the helm of social networking giant Facebook spoke out for the first time today regarding the rumours circulating thick and fast about the prospect of a 2013 launch for the Facebook phone.


'Well, basically due to many of our users emigrating onto the Facebook apps available for iPhone and Android, we have been unable to dupe many into buying virtual Facebook credits due to the unavailability of the Flash software on the Apple handsets (required to play most inter-programme apps), and we have also been unavailable to bombard our users with hordes of incessant irrelevant advertisements as featured on the web-based version. And so basically, we need a new way to make money.' Explained Zuckerberg behind his reasoning of the tangible effort of the social networking phenomenon. 


Upon questioning of some of the features that new Facebook handset may hope to offer, Zuckerberg stated that it would be much similar to the iOS software as seen on the iPhone. 'Actually, we had some of their engineers in the other day. We're hoping to pass it off as our own revolutionary step. Oh, and of course the handset shall be glitch rich and users will be constantly annoyed with Farmville(etc) requests within the first five seconds of unlocking their phone, despite the fact that we know most users wish to demolish others' farmhouses, burn their crops and slaughter their animals. It's all for the LOLs.


'We've all got somebody on our friend's list who we always try to avoid and turn off chat upon logging in. Well with the Facebook phone we've decided that connectivity is the way forward and users shall be forced to endure the often painful experience of older relatives talking about their ancient decrepit hounds at a pace of around 5 words per two minutes. We've also blocked all of the privacy settings on the handset, so the handset will automatically update your exact actions, including toilet breaks, at regular 10 minute intervals. As we said, connectivity is the key to making this thing a success.'

First image of the Facebook phone. 'Revolutionary.'

'Guaranteed to be a money maker, this.' We think so too.

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Eurovision: Backstage Babble

Following Sweden’s victory in the 26 country strong Eurovision competition last night, rumours have emerged that there was more backstage drama than initially perceived to those viewing in countries around the globe.

The Russian grannies’ number set a fine example of what could potentially happen if medication were to be neglected at their age, and despite placing a sweet second the sextuplet decided to protest against the victorious ‘Euphoria’ track performed by Loreen by demonstration of chaining their mobility scooters to the stage, obviously influenced by steps seen by anti-cut protesters outside the UK’s deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg’s home.

Rumours have already circulated about identical Irish duo, Jedward and UK participant, Englebert Humperdinck joining forces and amalgamating their acts to produce ‘Jengleward’ during the semi-finals as Englebert’s penultimate scathing defeat has forced him to reconsider his career options and insiders would suggest that he’s already purchased his Wizard of Oz style Tin Man-esque catsuit, complete with shoulder pads and a synthetic blonde quiff due to significant aged hair fragility.

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Mark Zuckerberg calls Team Deathmatch

The social networking platform Facebook, which hosts approximately 850 million unproductive ‘soon-to-be-fired’ office workers from around the globe disconnected for two whole hours earlier this morning as Mark Zuckerberg wished to eliminate the annoyance of lag from his well-deserved game of Call Of Duty Team Deathmatch online multiplayer game with ‘the lads’ as he had especially plugged in his dust-topped first generation Xbox 360 Arcade (after all- ‘there’s no real monetary benefits in upgrading to a 250GB harddrive when a 256MB memory stick is perfectly adequate enough’). Zuckerberg decided to cover up his leisure pursuit with a half-hearted yet totally believable excuse filed under ‘technical issues’ that Twitter users found incredibly easy to swallow, given Facebook’s incompetency of lasting a week sans glitches.

The Twitter lads took this as an opportunity to poke fun at Facebook’s temporary downfall, trending #FacebookDown as perhaps a premature victory chant at the fact that they managed to beat Zuckerberg at his own game (of CoD). However, Zuckerberg’s mum didn’t seem too impressed with Twitter’s gloating and forebode that she would ‘get involved’ if the microblogging site didn’t ‘pipe down’.

There has been no word from Twitter since.

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